‘Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?’ – Matthew 6:27

It’s always easier to say something than to get it done.
I don’t want to talk about it, but can’t get it out of my mind.
I don’t want to think about it, but it’s vexing me and affecting my mood.
I don’t want to have any feelings about it, but I rant about it to get it off my chest.

I really need a break. I don’t think I can take leave or get away during the CNY period because I have to take care of my family. Though it’s only the beginning, I feel no surge of optimism and enthusiasm to start 2009 afresh with. Maybe it’s a sign of ageing. Or it’s just me.

Madam Jade can’t shake off her burden of Jade at all.

I’m really grateful for my friends, especially in the past month of December. I think they have been awesome and I love them to bits.
I’m really grateful for my boss who’s kind and supportive of my work, and so far, I have no worries of job security.
I’m really grateful for my granny and aunt who dote on me and try their best to take care of me.

However, I still agonize about…
What will happen if I am really sick, given that I’ve been pretty unwell…
If I really can’t bring myself to trust anyone again, I’ve to live a rather sad life isn’t it?
If I lose everything I currently have, I feel too old to start all over again…
What truly makes me happy and fulfilled?
Why am I holding back?
Why am I grasping on so tightly to temporal things even though I know they will disappoint me in the end?
Why should I be contented being insignificant, but what is the point of slogging my guts out for?
Who am I doing all these for?
What am to whom am I trying to prove my worth to, and why should I?
When am I going to Heaven???

I’m getting into a moody downward spiral trend, and it’s not good. I’m feeling depressed a lot of the time. People around me who care would think that it’s because I feel ill quite often nowadays, work-related stress, too much pressure, or relating to things that I cannot bear to let go off. I feel that it’s more complex than that, it’s so inexplicable that sometimes I can’t comprehend myself.

I don’t have much hope in my life at this point in time. I’m so disheartened and discouraged by all that is around me. If I could, I would really snap myself out of it. But the awful feeling keeps creeping back and hovers about me like a shroud.