This weekend, I occupied myself with the following:
- Coffee with Papa Seng
- Waltz practice at studio
- Watched 'Date Night'
- High Tea at Conrad and Centennial with mum an aunt
- Checked in Hard Rock hotel for night's stay

I want to be up and about again.

Once there was a little girl named Claudia that always followed her star. Everyone said, "Follow your star." She did what everybody said. She followed her star. She never knew there was a little headband around her head. It had a string attached to her head and a little star on it. She always walked with her cat, too. The cat was her pet. She loved her cat. The cat was named Simba. The star would always shine on her head. The star helped her when it was dark. The star would help her see her way in the dark. Sometimes she would get lost. Sometimes she wouldn't get lost. She mostly walked in the city or in the town. She would always walk after lunch. She always wanted to keep the star shining.
'Follow Your Star' ~ by Alexander B.

Yum!!! My all time fav Champagne truffle mooncake from Raffles Hotel!! :)

I actually like White Rabbit @ Harding Road in spite of the chi-chi crowd, uncomfortable yard stools and lacklustre service at last Friday's Moet thingie. The music was the sort I like though.

On Saturday, we hung out at Giraffe for dinner and drinks with Grace. Giraffe has sorta evolved into our regular comfortable setting for a quiet chill evening with good conversations and plain ol' girlie catchup. Pleasant, but hot and humid.

Last evening, I had dinner with Doc. at Black Angus and he even brought me a red rose. I thought that was sweet. When I logged online much later at night the TKK scientist told me that he wants to marry me and that he was serious about it. Given his unique ethnic mix I wonder if he has a Harem mentality and somehow wants to start his collection now. Or it could be a to-do list on his accomplishments table that he requires in order to progress to the next level. Like a video game reality. Donch know.

I'm feeling much better today, though still very very bloated. I have a fitting at 6.30pm later at Balestier so I've got to rush. No thanks to all the IKEA snacks, sweets, chocolates and drinks, I'm now bordering on plus-size. I'm wearing a black dress that still does not make me look skinny. My tummy is protruding. Nowhere to hide when I have to parade half naked in a bathing suit in front of a French lady who has an awesome figure since she used to be a synchronised swimmer. I think sucking in my tummy doesn't fool anyone.

Fingers still crossed that due to the announcement later this week my trip to Jakarta on Sunday will be postponed/cancelled.

I have to weigh what's more important to me. Even if I already know, I have to convince the stubborn side of me to concur. I have to give up certain things, overlook others, disregard what people might say/think and CHOOSE ONE ONLY.

I think the Holy Spirit will convince me on what is best.

I have to give credit to bull though. He actually remembered my birthday and asked me what I want to do on that day. Doc thinks I'm meeting him. Maybe.

BTSC wants to meet me this week again. I will have to say no. I reckon I should do what's right. Was reading a daily devotional comparing Abraham and Lot. Both were refered to as righteous men in the Bible. Lot chose the land close to Sodom & Gomorrah,was tempted by what it had to offer, turned his face towards it, and eventually went to it. In the end, he narrowly escaped with only the clothes on his back when God unleashed his wrath on the two sinful cities. Abraham, on the other hand, became the Father of Nations and was immensely blessed because he chose to honour God's word.

I pray for the desire to obey God. I know I can be wilful but that's going to make me unwise.

At work, we're all waiting for 'IT' to happen. So I guess now's the calm before the storm?

Contemplating selling my car. If I can trade that in for a down payment of some sort, why not? But I really like my Sylvie and I may not bear to give her up. After all, I worked hard, decided to buy myself a massive present last year and paid her off with my toil, sweat, blood and life.

Over the weekend, I've had people knocking on my door looking for a particular someone and I really feel harassed and pissed off. If Harley gives me a good rate I may really move out. I just don't know how my grandma and mum would take it.

5 days to Mid-Autumn festival and 6 to my birthday. Zero celebrations this year. What's the point?

The Earth still spins slowly and the one who chooses to wait may lose patience
or die and eventual insignificant death.

I will rise and shine again.

Planet Earth turns slowly

The Earth spins slowly but the bull is patient.

So much happens on a daily basis. Program restructuring matters are common-day affairs. Some people have been shifted around. I'm being asked to 'hop over' to Jakarta on horribly short notices, a place I do not enjoy. And I hate that I have to travel on my birthday.

Taurus will be back in Singapore for 2 weeks and I likely won't be able to meet up with him. Maybe it's for the better, it's gonna lead nowhere eventually.

The last trip in Jakarta, I managed to catch up with Mary, my long time classmate since St. Margs. It was so nice to see her again after 12 years, and I'm really grateful for friendships like that. I also bumped into Rini in the Hotel lift and we went shopping one evening, and had room service dinner after that. This coming trip, my boss is meeting me there so I don't think I'll have ANY luxury of rest at all.

I went for a training walk from Tampines stadium to Central mall a couple of Saturdays ago, covering a total distance of 17km. I thought the long walk weould actually clear my mind but it kinda didn't. I'm still friggin sick and tired and everything sucks at thi point.

I'm a super horrible person. I'm on the brink of hating myself. Plus I'm fat. I stuff my face so much till I get hyper swollen, gross and sick, and then I feel worse.

Why am I struggling so much for? Many people lead far simpler lives than me and are actually happy.

I met BTSC last week and I knew I shouldn't have.

GL brought me on Harley rides which were so fun but the gloomy feeling caught up once they were over. I can't run and I can't hide?

I don't know what I have achieved after almost 28 years of my life.

Just back from lunch at Amoy St famous Curry Fish Head and mango sago dessert and my dress is on the verge of bursting at the seams. I'm so fat that I dare not take out my jacket though it's friggin' hot!!!

Tonight, I'm going to the Moet Champagne party with my girlies at the Rabbit Hole. I need a break. Last year, I was at the Chivas event where I met Lion. The Paper Lion.

I was walking around Vivo waiting for Carol and Ade yesterday evening and I bumped into bull. No biggie. He gave me a 'look' but what can I do?

Can't wait to leave the office for my weekend to start.

Yesterday was just another Monday that had been coloured Blue. I met Miss Mel for hot yoga at the end of the workday which was good.

This morning, I had a calorie-packed breakfast in anticipation of my busy day ahead.
- Coffee Bean Vanilla Milkshake (I'm so hooked onto this now that I bought an entire carton of Vanilla Powder. Very high caloric count though.)
- 3 pieces of oily Julie's Butter Crackers
- 3 Muji Yuzu & Kinkan sweets

Despite all the sugar, carbs and fats I've ingested this morning, my body feels lethargic and my eyelids are half shut. I am actually feeling cold in the office this morning, which is very rare. I am forcing myself to keep awake for all the issues I have to resolve today.

Therefore I am ranting here about food to feel guilty and be distracted for a little while.

Last weekend passed really quickly. Friday was a quiet night having drinks with a few colleagues in Harry's bar. Then I went home and had a late dinner. A lot of it :(.

On Saturday, Adeline and I celebrated Carol's birthday at Coastes beach pub on Palawan beach. We had agreed on a Neon theme earlier and I sported Shocking pink (gasp!) nails to go along with it. I kinda liked it, though some said it made me look like an Ah-Lian. We ordered not-so healthy food:
- Carol's American breakfast
- 6 pieces oily chicken wings
- Oreo Cheesecake
- Hawaiian Pizza
For drinks we had San Pellegrino's sparkling water, orange juice and iced tea!
Luckily, the clouds cleared in the late afternoon when we were there and it didn't rain on our parade!

At night, I got a call from S, my secondary school friend who was soooo sick. I could hardly hear her mince words over the phone and was sooooo worried for her, especially cuz she refused to go to the hospital. Then CMN was nice enough to fetch me there to deliver food and drink to her at night. I had a little chat with her, made sure she ate a little but couldn't stay that long. I feel sad that my girlfriend is so alone and ill. I wish I could do more.

I didn't drink a lot with CMN that night but had an unhealthy trans-fat-full tub of Korean spicy instant noodles. CMN was kinda surprised I could eat so much in the middle of the night. So much for determination.

3 supper nights in a row. On Sunday night I had my granny's glutonous rice, tofu and other junk food for supper.... again. I suck at dieting. I have a serious deficiency in self-control! In the afternoon, I met bull for dim sum at the new Ion Orchard mall. The basement levels were ridiculously tin-canned packed with human beings. I don't think I will plan to go there again during weekends in the forseeable future. Luckily, the restaurant that we went to was on the higher floors and not crowded. I think we over-ordered though. We had:
- Speciality Prawn dumpling noodles
- Scallop fried rice (with no scallops to be seen)
- Har Gao
- Char siew Pau
- Steamed rice rolls with dough fritters
- Pan fried carrot cake
- Pu-er tea
- Coke and juice.

I am sooooooo guilty of gluttony, no wonder I am fat.

Last weekend, since it was National day (maybe just an excuse), I went out drinking for 4 consecutive nights and think I almost killed myself.

Thursday night, I was at KPO with Mister Brown and the funny VN. I think it's so cool that they converted a post office into a pretty swanky pub! I like that place...

On Friday I met former Head of Audit and HR for dinner at Tiong Bahru Plaza. It's nice to catch up with both of them. Then I went out with CMTN and we had Absolut mango and snacks in the car. So crampy.

On Saturday, I had my Crystal spots rejuvenating treatment in the afternoon and bought myself 2 dresses. Then I went home and just chucked them aside. At night, I met YY and we went to Stereolab at Pan Pacific Hotel, a new hangout by the former owner of Centro (which I used to love~). The music was cool... but probably cuz it's new the crowd wasn't that great yet. Hopefully it get's better. Then we headed down to Pump room for a little while and there were lots of funny people that night. Of cuz I had fun with my YY jie-jie nonetheless and hopefully we can plan a trip to Hokkaido in December!

Sunday was National day, so after my errands in the afternoon I went to so many places to buy food for my family gathering at aunt's place. It was a simple but cosy gathering. Even playing cards with the kids was a simple joy. Then I met bull at Cathay to watch the cartoon UP. I thought the graphics were so cute but the story with the extinct bird and talking dogs was a bit too far fetched for my liking. After the show, we sat at a stone table in East Coast drinking supposedly award-winning Schwartzriesling and eating grape Lakerol pastilles. I think I drank too much, and the 2 sips of funny tasting gin with blueberry juice made it worse. I was really kinda... woozy~

The rest of Monday I felt sooooo bloated and sick. Last night I cancelled blading with LV cuz I really wasn't up to it... Today's already Wednesday and I do not feel an ounce better. I'm so bloated and feeling horrible. Sucks to feel like a balloon.


Lesson learnt: Can't drink so much!

:(

Let me run over the horrible things that happened lately so I can spend more time recollecting the happier things I did lately.

- Horrible car servicing. The guy wanted to dismantle my car literally and made me miss my badminton session last Saturday! Luckily RL accompanied me. As a result I went to retail therapy to calm myself and bought almost $200 worth of Charles and Keith goods sitting at home not being functional (yet).

- Saying no and being blackmailed for it is not a good feeling. I do feel sorry but there is really nothing I can do to help. Sigh...

- Not losing weight sucks.

- Being left with PLi. I know I'm making a big fuss out of this. I know, but I just don't like it. Don't make me suffer because of your choices.

- Feeling ill and bloated. But I will get better. I am healed in Jesus' name.

Now I can talk about the cheery stuff! :)

On Thursday after work I met Carol and Adeline and had a HUMONGOUS strawberry tart and root beer for dinner at Marche. So much for ruining my diet and exercise plan I tried so hard to maintain the whole week. Fatty food and fatty drink makes a fatty me. But it was super delicious! The I bought a blue dress which I haven't decided how to wear(?) because of its anatomy, but I liked it anyhow. We're gonna have a neon-themed party for Carol's birthday in 2 weeks time at Cafe del Mar, and I'm gonna turn up in retro shades and shocking-pink nails~!

On Friday evening I met YY at Balaclava. It was such a long time since we caught up and I missed her and our dancing and MCD sessions! We talked about the numerous changes at the German brewery and various people updates, including Dr Hamer, LKK, old uncle, Head of Audit and HR and the bubble that has been gaining inertia around the west. Things can really evolve in matter of a few months! Then there was talk around the Lion and Serpent and boy do I find them childish and amusing now. I think I'm meeting MS and DB for dinner in the coming week.

The funny CiTi boss left early, but we took a little taxi ride to the new KPO (which is kewl and I'll be going with YL and Mel this week, after manicure) and Bellini Grande (which was boring) with the Korean potato and the drunk friend Mister Bottoms up. I think he asked if I was okay at least 50 times in one night. Korean potato is so quiet but awkward cute and speaks with a funny mumbled accent but he was so mean to abandon Mister Bottoms up to us! The other one with Florence I felt a lil bad towards but that Tallie-J was actually quite nice and fun too.

Oh yah I saw WJB there at Bala too, and he saw me, but who gives a damn abt him. YY and I want to go tot he StereoLounge in Pan Pacific soon!

On Saturday, I ate a whole load of junk including my Red, Blua nd Stripes Kettle chips. At night I met CMTN and we had a drink picnic at Sentosa's Palawan Beach. I like Absolut Mango! The most fun part of the night was when we went for a drift and it was SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR EXCITINGGGGGGGGGGG. Drifting is so cool and fun and simply EXHILIRATING. Sends Adrenalin everywhere in your bloodstream. I wanna do it again!!!!!!!

I forgot to mention that Taurus has been quite nice to me lately. Super sweet. Naive, right? Like NFsh and Nzr, but no use.

On Sunday I was kinda unhappy initially cuz my mum was horrible to me. I went out to Orchard in the evening and had dinner with Bull at Cathay Billy Bombers before his church. I was starving, but to be honest they served me beef that was almost raw. I ordered medium-rare, but my food was obviously undercooked. At night I had a long conversation with my ol'fren Sue. Hopefully I will not be in Jalarta next week so that I can celebrate her birthday with her. I've known Sue for 16 years!!

Hopefully better things come along this week. I bought myself a pair of blades so looking forward to go after work w L & gang~. I like my work hard-play hard lifestyle.

Gotta go back to work :)

I hope Michael Jackson goes to heaven.

Last night I randomly awoke at 3.30am from my sleep and has Milo and cracked pepper table waters with cranberries as a midnight snack, whilst watching MJ's memorial service live. This morning I am feeling so bloated but feel like eating non-stop.

I had a fight with Jx last night. It's so duh.

I am so buried in work. Seems like I am booked on every single project there is on the program such that I need 4 clones.

I feel bad for turning people down all the time these past 2 weeks. Feel especially bad towards SMWP and IKT and RBC-S and PB-LB. I know that they have been trying to accomodate me but my time is really tight....

In addition my menses is not late on 49 days as of today. It's a recurring distressing cycle that is probablt made worse by the anti-anxiety pills that I have been prescribed with. My weight is now a permanent astronomical figure and I am fat beyond belief.

It's all about me. Too much of me. I'm just in a very very bad mood, ok?

Now my work travel plans are affected. Instead of going to Melbourne for the SRS I am likely to be seconded to Jarkarta very soon to do some fire-fighting for the GL component.

StewPede idiots.

I went to see the doctor yesterday after suffering these horrible symptoms for about 2 weeks:
- Unexplained weight gain
- Bloatedness
- Shortness of breath
- Nausea
- Heartburn
- Irritability
- Cramps and discomfort
- Body ache
- Lethargy
- Indigestion
- Mood swings
- Severe water retention

Though she could not prescribe me a wonder drug to alleviate all my symptoms, I was given SIMETHICONE for my gastric troubles and a new pill, LIBRAX. LIBRAX is anti-anxiety and anticholinergic tablet that will supposedly aid in alleviating my pain.

Even the trip to Kuching didn't manage to calm me down much, apparently.

I hate my fatness. It paralyses me. I'm now a hefty 47kgs, from 44kgs just a month back. It is literally driving me nuts.

My workload is as heavy as an elephant sitting on me. I have so much stuff to attend to AT THE SAME TIME.

Last Saturday, I bought myself an Italian Moscato from the Wine tasting session at Wine Gallery. It's rare I buy myself alcohol. I need a good ocassion to drink it.

July shall be a month of determination. I wonder how far I can get on with that.

I have great friends whom I feel bad towards because my schedule's been screwed up, as well as pests I can't get rid of. Life's such. I only bother with what I wanna be bothered with.

I am feeling very ill.....

1. I've finally completed 5 gruelling sessions of gum surgery + root canal + crowning sessions. Now I have a porcelain crowned molar. Quite happy with it, but it's time to pay the dentist! So glad the pain is finally over!!

2. Back from Kuching, which was serene and very slow paced. Good getaway to clear the mind for a few days. Had a good time with my 2 BFFS, Joey and Xann! The Sunset over Sarawak River was captivating, and we had a fantastic view from our room in Hilton. We tried local fare like Mee Kolok and Sarawak Laksa and Three-layered tea, which was nice :) I'd love to have more breaks!

3. Some men just suck. I don't wanna name people. I'm done with scum, all of them.

4. I shall endeavour to live my life with sparkling subtlety.

5. Eugene recovered from dengue completely. Thank God, must have been painful for him.

6. I have a lot of work, but will try to manage stress and do well!

7. By the way I really liked Aliens vs. Monsters. Watched it with Grace in 3D. Since I have put on so much weight lately I have named myself Ginormica.

8. Yes, I am feeling 'it'. Only I know what 'it' is.

9. Encouragement to self: You know what you've got. Look up!

1. I left German centre, went to Phuket and had a great time.

2. I bought myself a Prada bag.

3. I stopped talking to someone.

4. I cut my hair! A new start...

5. Finally had high tea at Lawry's. Nice!

6. Lion is weird. He told Serpent that we were together for a while and was afraid I feel awkward when I meet them. Why would he say such a thing? There was nothing between us to begin with.

7. Paid my tax bill. So much to pay. Heart pain.

8. I just had extremely painful (and expensive) gum surgery and I feel that I can die from it. Dr. Shahul offered to give me a week of medical leave but I have to be at a meeting tomorrow at 8am. I may be off to Shanghai next week for work. Either way, I'm in great great great great pain. The kind that makes u cringe into a ball like a foetus.

9. Okay the pain is so excruciating that I can't continue anymore.

My 8 month old laptop crashed on me. Data recovery would cost at least $2000 and take more than a week to complete, with no guarantees. I don’t think it’s worthwhile to recuperate anything.

My series of unfortunate/ unpleasant events this year:
- Svlvie’s malfunctioning stereo and the huge hole in my car
- The drama over my resignation, of which there shall be no recourse
- Aunt Jennifer’s death, of which is irreversible
- My beer allergy on my face, of which I have not fully recovered from
- Ferlize crashing on me, of which there is no remedy for
- The deterioration and breakdown of Candy, my cellphone

I refuse to be defeated, and have attempted to make myself healthy and happy again:
- Played badminton with my Lehman sisters
- Gone back to Salsa, once a week
- Started to practice golf again
- 4 times training with Gary
- Going to Phuket with my girlie

If I have to learn something from all these, it would be that:
- Life goes up and down in cycles and we all have to learn to make the most out of whatever situation we are in.
- Nothing is absolute or lasts forever; people and situations may change anytime.
- Happiness is a choice. One who waits for everything else to be perfect before deciding to be happy, will never be.
- Count our blessings; the world owes us nothing.
- Treasure those who care for you because they are what keep us going in tough times.

I treated the Head of Internal Audit to lunch today at the Penang Place. I really enjoy talking to him and the Head of Human Resource. I also like to talk to Vince and Joe, even Jennifer from Accounts. Some people are just nice and I get a feeling that God sent them into my life at this point in time for a purpose. Now I’m so full with a huge belly full of Hokkien prawn noodles, ice kachang, sweet prunes and ginger tea. It’s so unbearable in the office today.

I’m addicted to supper. Every night I would eat and eat until my tummy feels like its going to explode. The next morning I would feel immensely painful contractions in my gut and my tummy would be so bloated with wind and undigested food that I would feel nauseas, which would lead to headaches. When I have to concentrate while having a headache the pain would be excruciating and my whole day would essentially be spent in silent anguish. It causes me a lot of distress.

There are so many versions of why I quit floating around in the bank. Some are really ridiculous. I try not to bother.

So far from fxxking fantastic.

Experts tell us that babies have two natural fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. A study on fear was conducted on 500 adults of varying ages, backgrounds and lifestyles. The results showed that they shared some 7,000 different fears. This means that they must have learnt 6,998 fears since they were born. That is a lot of fears!

For me, the fear of failure must be one of them.

Someone got angry with me because I cannot make it for lunch with him on Wednesday. He told another colleague that I hurt his ego because I rejected him so many times and that I’m so arrogant. What to do? I didn’t mean to be come across like that what, just that I have a lot to squeeze in these 2 weeks.

Another person in the world hates me. I’m not gonna bash myself up over it, but I feel a bit bad for canceling on him. I know I can’t please the whole world but it seems like I’ve been screwing a whole lot of stuff up lately. Feels terrible. Can’t wait to run away to Phuket.

Last Friday was somewhat eventful. I don’t wanna elaborate. In summary, the world is a complicated place to live in with messed up people all over. Saturday’s rain seemed like an extrapolation of how I felt – cold, wet, with constant showers and somewhat sad with a little melancholic tune to the falling raindrops. Mundane, stuffy, gloomy. Not overwhelming, but churning unceasingly. I went for salsa in the afternoon, and then I met my girlie for a sumptuous dinner, soup, lychee martini and yummy sweet sinful desserts. We also went for foot reflexology and did a little shopping. Somehow I wasn’t relaxed and had a grey shroud over me no matter what I did. I should really try to stop being a worrywart.

I caught up with mistake briefly yesterday over a casual drive, and we ended up at Marina Barrage. It somewhat felt familiar but wrong. Some mistakes, I can’t bring myself to justify.

Taurus has finally decided to postpone coming back for another year. Initially, I was kinda vexed about him returning for good. Now that he’s not, I’m somewhat torn between feel relieved, disappointed, both or neither.

I bumped into Lion and his friend, Serpent last Friday while out with a girlie of mine, at the sort of place that he would typically hang out. It was so apparent that Serpent just wanted a ‘good time’, but my girlie who’s attached actually didn’t mind engaging him. At this point I still trust her. People relationships are so complex. Lion called to explain, but I really don’t want to be involved in any illicit affair of any sort. Yes, I was rather guarded towards him that evening, maybe even a tad too cold. And though I don’t think he carries venomous poison, this Lion may just be the wrong species after all.

I really really want to spin out of the twister of gloom. This is no way to lead life. My life should be bursting with vigour, life and abundance. But sometimes the downward centrifugal force is so strong that it becomes so difficult to propel myself upwards. I’ll keep praying. I know I’ll get better.

I know I don’t have to carry the fear of the future with me.

I also know that I should not have to fear:
- Being stagnant
- Growing old and ugly and sick and grouchy
- Losing all my loved ones and being alone
- Being helpless and unaccomplished
- Falling from grace
- Etc
… because in Him I trust.

Proverbs 3:5, 6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

I felt horrible last night, and spent many hours bashing my emotional self up. I felt so bad that it developed into ANOTHER HUGE ZIT on my already tortured face. Today, I feel extremely unpretty and fat. I even drank beer (which I hate) and ate a whole large packet of Taiwanese instant noodles with egg loaded with sodium, artificial flavouring and trans-fat, black sesame paste, preserved prunes and kettle chips at 12 midnight. I’m so bloated and have both opulent lunch and dinner appointments today.

I hate food. I am becoming ugly, grumpy, unhealthy, stressed, obsessive, compulsive, irritable, impatient, sad, nervous, plump, chunky, and a worrywart in just a matter of weeks. I hate myself for being a wretch who made a total mess out of my disgusting life. I thought my load would lighten, but my heart is so heavy.

I saw 2 rainbows yesterday, one in International business park, around 7pm when I was about to leave the office. The other one followed me as I was driving through the city, and as the sky grew dark, I witnessed the rainbow fade and eventually completely diminish. Rainbows are awesome. I thank God for his reminder that He is always there.

Once God makes a covenant, he will fulfill it.

More importantly the rainbow yesterday was a significant comfort that God’s Hand will always be with me. I had a brief moment with Dr. Hamer last evening that left me devastated, for reasons I am sick of repeating. It left me guilt-ridden and small. If I could’ve dug a hole in the ground and stayed there for a million years, I probably would. All I needed was some time to humble myself in the mighty presence of God, and lay all my fears at His feet. I believe that He put the rainbows there to reassure me.

Anyway, what is done is already done.

What I’ve realized from this is that people are probably my greatest asset. I’ve been fortunate to have good people to turn to for advice, friends who are patient and accommodating, associates who give me the benefit of doubt, folks that I whine incessantly to, people whom I don’t spend much time with but are will always lend me a helping hand when I need it, and of course, a family that cares. Though I may not agree with all of them all the time, but at least I know I’m not alone. I am so grateful for all of them. On the other hand, I also realize those who say they care but they actually don’t, those who are plain busybodies, and those who like me for one reason for another but are not genuinely interested in forging meaningful relationships with me.

I also may not be as strong as I think I can be. Maybe my mum is right - Deep down, I’m just a giggly little girl.

I had a super long lunch with the Head of Internal Audit. He’s so nice and we had a good chat about matters in the bank too.

LKK keeps on evading the topic. Why can’t he just let me go?

I’m really having some serious indigestion man. Meeting my LEH sisters after work today.

This shall be my prayer, too.

1 Chronicles 4:10
And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying,
“Oh, that you would bless me indeed, And enlarge my territory, that your Hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil, that I might not cause pain.”
So God granted what he requested.

I have made up my mind but my mum is not convinced. Though I may look cold on the exterior, I’m still a little girl who cares the most about my mum deep inside. I’m a piece of jade with a molten boiling core. Right now, it feels as if a million ants are crawling on my arteries. I can’t think straight or sit still. I look at LKK in his room and I feel squeamish.

I have even cancelled a high profile shoot tonight because I feel so queasy. I went last night home and ate:
- Bitter gourd soup with a chicken drumstick
- ½ a fried yam cake
- ½ a fried sesame ball with green bean filling
- 1 old chang kee curry puff
- 1 magnum original ice cream
… and gave myself indigestion.

This morning, I was up early and went to the OUB office to seal my fate. Then I went crazy and bought 9 unhealthy items for breakfast:
(i) Yam cake
(ii) Pumpkin cake
(iii) Vermicelli cake
(iv) Rice cake
(v) Tapioca cake
(vi) Soon Kueh
(vii) Kueh KoSwee
(viii) Kuek Ubi Kayu Bingka
(ix) Nonya rice kueh
… Luckily I did not finish all of them and distributed some of them to colleagues in the office. But I still ate a lot with my ginger tea.

Now I’m only waiting for D to be back on Thursday so that we can enter discussion. On hindsight, now that my tough decision has been made, I wonder if I have chosen the correct path to tread on.

I may have a whole list of pros and cons to deliberate, but it ultimately would boil down to this: Whether it was right for me to leave a stable, high paying, highly visible secure comfortable job? Aside from the money factor, the real risk of undertaking this degree of uncertainty is daunting.

Then again, who is to correctly define 'the right choice'? Heck, it’s a chance I chose to take and we only live once, right? I told people around me that if it doesn’t pay off then view it like I took a year off to hibernate in some corner of the world then. I prayed again for God to continue taking care of me EVEN IF I have made the wrong move, because His hand will be with me wherever I go.