I felt horrible last night, and spent many hours bashing my emotional self up. I felt so bad that it developed into ANOTHER HUGE ZIT on my already tortured face. Today, I feel extremely unpretty and fat. I even drank beer (which I hate) and ate a whole large packet of Taiwanese instant noodles with egg loaded with sodium, artificial flavouring and trans-fat, black sesame paste, preserved prunes and kettle chips at 12 midnight. I’m so bloated and have both opulent lunch and dinner appointments today.

I hate food. I am becoming ugly, grumpy, unhealthy, stressed, obsessive, compulsive, irritable, impatient, sad, nervous, plump, chunky, and a worrywart in just a matter of weeks. I hate myself for being a wretch who made a total mess out of my disgusting life. I thought my load would lighten, but my heart is so heavy.

I saw 2 rainbows yesterday, one in International business park, around 7pm when I was about to leave the office. The other one followed me as I was driving through the city, and as the sky grew dark, I witnessed the rainbow fade and eventually completely diminish. Rainbows are awesome. I thank God for his reminder that He is always there.

Once God makes a covenant, he will fulfill it.

More importantly the rainbow yesterday was a significant comfort that God’s Hand will always be with me. I had a brief moment with Dr. Hamer last evening that left me devastated, for reasons I am sick of repeating. It left me guilt-ridden and small. If I could’ve dug a hole in the ground and stayed there for a million years, I probably would. All I needed was some time to humble myself in the mighty presence of God, and lay all my fears at His feet. I believe that He put the rainbows there to reassure me.

Anyway, what is done is already done.

What I’ve realized from this is that people are probably my greatest asset. I’ve been fortunate to have good people to turn to for advice, friends who are patient and accommodating, associates who give me the benefit of doubt, folks that I whine incessantly to, people whom I don’t spend much time with but are will always lend me a helping hand when I need it, and of course, a family that cares. Though I may not agree with all of them all the time, but at least I know I’m not alone. I am so grateful for all of them. On the other hand, I also realize those who say they care but they actually don’t, those who are plain busybodies, and those who like me for one reason for another but are not genuinely interested in forging meaningful relationships with me.

I also may not be as strong as I think I can be. Maybe my mum is right - Deep down, I’m just a giggly little girl.

I had a super long lunch with the Head of Internal Audit. He’s so nice and we had a good chat about matters in the bank too.

LKK keeps on evading the topic. Why can’t he just let me go?

I’m really having some serious indigestion man. Meeting my LEH sisters after work today.