… since the day my granddad passed away. It’s been 3 years; it was his death anniversary on 28th December.
Every year, I get extra pensive around this period. Last year, I was crying my eyes out in Hong Kong. Next year, I wonder where I’ll be.

Just last week, I was having a chat with my granny after Christmas dinner. We spoke of how time flew, how the kids have grown, and how old and haggard the rest of us have become, among other things. She talked about being proud of my achievements at my own health’s expense, having to juggle a million things and being super ambitious, yet refusing to settle down.
“Ee poh keeps on asking...” She says. “Choose properly, and then when you have kids I can still take care of them for you. Wait too long, I’ll be too old.” When my granny was my age, she long had given birth to 4 children. My youngest aunt and my mum are even 8 years apart, and she was still considered a ‘slow starter’ in her time.

Anyway, I told her that she is custodian of granddad’s portion of whatever’s meant for him, from me at least. I think she was rather comforted by that.

I feel guilty for not going back to his grave yesterday. I could rush if I really wanted to, but I didn’t. I could defend myself by saying that physical presence at the tombstone on a particular day each year doesn’t prove anything. After all, my grandpa’s in Paradise now and not lying in the coffin waiting for me to visit him. But I’ve nowhere to excuse myself; I am horrible for not making the extra effort. I feel like a wretch.

Yesterday morning, I was pretty bad to my mum too. Actually I was intentionally not-very-helpful, but yes, I felt bad after that too. I’m not very accommodating towards her lately. I think that she keeps picking on me, being difficult and quarrelsome and show terrible attitude. Menopause/ Stress/ Tiredness maybe, but it seems like a habit now. Plus her drinking habit is getting to me. I consider it a little hardcore already. I understand that she’s tightening her belt but she’s really penny pinching and asking a lot from me. Someone said that I’m toooooooooooo generous with her already, and she thinks I’m stingy and money minded.

Yes, I am ambitious and I want to make a lot of money, be super successful and pull out the weeds in my life. Isn’t that what she wanted me to be all along?

My cuzzie had to report for national service yesterday too. I hope he’ll be okay. He was so sweet, actually sent me a message to tell me that he’s on his way and will see me in a month’s time during CNY.

I think I could be PMS-ing. So many micro things affect me so much lately. That day, I was so disappointed with many things that I cried on my drive from work all the way home. When I got home, I felt so sick that I threw up, had terrible cramps, a massive headache and my head felt like exploding. My 2 girlies had to visit me and bought PediaLyte (Electolytes for replacing fluids) and toast bread for me, and we watched Ally McBeal and Kung Fu Panda until I felt better. I’m so lucky to have them.

Last night, I just missed my grandpa intensely again and cried myself to sleep again. Today, I’m so tired.

My period is 12 days late this month, but boy I’m glad it’s finally here now.