Its getting close to the end of the year.

Thoughts flood my head in a period of self-reflection. As I grow older, pages of my life are gradually filled up with more 'what-if's' and 'what-could-have-been's'. And even with a conscious effort to stay positive and forward looking in the midst of all festive cheer, I cannot help but feel a little more melancholy and inward-looking. It's not a bad thing though; it's just the time for new resolutions to be made, targets to be set, and priorities to be remembered.

I don't want to lose focus. I know my race and will not stop anywhere short of the finishing line.

At a recent family trip to Kukup, a fishing town in Johor, I rekindled the warmth of holding my grandma's hand, walking along a small muddy path and sharing my deepest thoughts with her. Age is catching up with her and years of toil and worry show on her wrinkled face. She might not understand what I am thinking, even chiding me for the decisions I've made, but there's an unspoken bond and unbreakable trust between us. "You are my favourite," she tells me gently, "and Grandpa doted on you the most..." She sighs and grasped my hand even more tightly. I know she misses my grandpa, who passed away almost two years ago. I miss him dearly too. Fears of losing my grandma one day grip me as I try to hold back a tear. I know the day will eventually come; but not-so-soon, I pray. I need my grandma to be my source of comfort and solace.

I've not gone back to see her for the past few weeks, and also getting impatient with her incessant nagging to eat well when we talk over the phone. I'm trying hard to diet and she can't wait for me to get fat. Then I tell her to stop telling me that, and after our conversation I feel guilty for belittling her concern over my health. She keeps asking me when my next visit would be, but I tell her that I've been busy. I feel bad. I don't want to regret not spending enough time with her, like how I'll always bear the guilt towards my grandpa.

I don't think anyone will understand how I feel, because I'm a complicated soul.

Last night, we went on a spontaneous cable car ride from Mount Faber to Sentosa which lasted half an hour. Then we had fatty fries and drinks at Altivo. Simple things should make me happy. Why do I have to complicate everything?

My resolution is that I'm not gonna let anything affect me anymore. It's never worth it.

Looking forward to my drive up to KL with good friends, my family Christmas party, my holiday to Hong Kong & Macau, and the New Year eve's chalet with my good bunch of jiemei's. At least my year will end on a good note.